Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
