Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
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