I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
