I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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