Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize