two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
im six kinds of drunk right now
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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