His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Two words: nipple clamps
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