Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
