This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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