The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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