woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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