I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize