I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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