some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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