the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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