There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
