I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
just tell him i said nine months
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
