his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
