Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
