Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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