Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
