drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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