Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
