I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
