I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
