She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize