you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
