I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
