She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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