he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
