the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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