I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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