no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
