you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
