Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You need Xanax blowdarts
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Randomize
