Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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