Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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