i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
