Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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