Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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