we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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