Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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