I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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