OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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