My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
