If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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