i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You took a bar mat shot.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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