apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
