You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
