none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
