I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
