I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
