don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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