right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I currently don't understand fingers.
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