I want to walk on stilts...naked
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
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