oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Umm I'm too high to move.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize