Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Randomize
