she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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