I just threw up on my dentist
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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