God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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