Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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