The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize