I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
