I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
