It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Pooping to opera.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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