One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
